Heard once you guys wanted to see something I wrote so I figured I would post it. SO, a little warning, this isn't exactly a tame book.

Chapter 1
Bell rang above the door to my office and I went for my holstered weapon. When I saw it was a familiar face, I lowered my hand away from the weapon and onto the arm of my chair.
“Jumpy,” the woman asked me in a slightly deep tone.
Alex Ingham, age 36, she works in special investigation department with the police. Most common features to be noted is her red hair tied up in an unusual fashion that reminds me of an open flame and her blue eyes which is piercing yet glazed over.
“You would be jumpy too if you had ORDER on your butt like they have been lately,” I replied in my slightly high tone. I walked around my chair to the door on the right and said, “come in. Figured you’re here on police business.”
“How did you figure that one out,” Alex asked me as she followed me into the first floor of my home.
“It’s mid day and you work during the week. Not that hard to put together.” I walked over to the small kitchen area to my left while Alex walk over to the dinning table just a meter or two away from the kitchen. “Would you like something to drink while we chat,” I asked while I opened the fridge.
“A beer would be nice,” Alex replied in a slightly light hearted tone.
I grabbed two red cans out of the fridge and then walked over to the table; the fridge door closing behind me.
“No beer today,” I stated as I placed a can in front of Alex; looking up at her. “Besides, you’re still on duty.”
“I know, but it was wishful thanking.”
I took my place near Alex and let the silence become enveloped by the sound of popping. After a moment of the returned silence, I asked, “what’s the case?”
Alex looked at me with a small grin on her face and a worried look in her eyes. “Have you heard of the serial killings happening in the east side of town.”
“Some people are calling that person a monster, some even believe it is Jack the Ripper incarnated.” Alex looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “Don’t worry, Jack the Ripper is still in Hell; both ORDER and the Devil made sure of that.”
“Wait, you mean all those years ago Jack the Ripper was caught,” Alex asked me, nearly tipping over her drink.
“It was one of ORDER’s first cases. He was originally in Texas as an Ax Maiden Killer I believe he was called, then he went to England. After his last attack, ORDER caught him. After he was caught, he pled guilty to the charges.”
“But, how did he just disappear off of the face of the planet?”
I thought about it for a moment then replied, “if I remember according to case files, his body was turned to ash and is now part of the wind. Because his body is in that form, no one can collect it together to summon him to kill again.”
“To kill again,” Alex stated in a questioning tone.
“Yes, Jack claimed he was summoned but in the end, he would never tell us who had summoned him.” Alex was staring at me like the first time I told her I was a monster. “What? You think a mortal man could have done that much killing and got away from the police of the era?”
“I suppose not but I don’t think there is even a theory he was a monster.”
“There was, ORDER took care of it because they actually let out the case file. However, ORDER was grateful that the general public dismissed it because it was impossible. Back then, being a monster was easier to hide then it is today.”
“So, if it was Jack the Ripper…”
“ORDER would have been turning this city upside down to find him.”
“Can I ask a personnel question?” I looked at Alex and then nodded my head. “Have you ever met Jack the Ripper?”
“Once, when I first started my work with ORDER.”
“How is that possible, I thought he was in Hell?”
“He is, ORDER pulled a few strings for him to have a chat with me.”
“Why did you chat with him?” I didn’t feel like answering that question; and for a few minutes we just sat there drinking the colas I had gotten from the fridge.
“Detective,” I stated. Alex looked at me. “You are here because of your case. I would like to know why you are here.”
“We need an extra set of eyes on this case and you came to mind.”
I sighed for a moment as I realized my can had become empty. “Well, ORDER hasn’t come to me with a case and nothing in the PI business is stirring so I guess I can help. But you know, I mainly do abnormal cases.”
“I know that. But I am mainly here because of the fact of what you did in the ORDER.”
“I see. You need someone who can think like a crazed killer yet remain normal in the brain, huh?”
“Will you take the case?”
I sighed and thought about it in my mind. Sure it was a normal case, but, I did train for these kinds of killers. The ones that think in such an odd way, you would need a group of people thinking like the man just to get a lead. Me, I could think and lead to the person, provided the clues and the case were that easy. I looked up at Alex and nodded my head as I stated, “I’ll take the case. What’s first?”
“Getting you the facts we have.”

de ja vu

Neato! I respect the effort you put into this, but.... idk, you need suspense, something to give the reader some reason to hold on and continue reading this.

What you need is A SHORTER PROLOGUE!
Do not announce how the story began. Just begin it abruptly, and only apply IMPORTANT bits of the past to the present story.

Here's an example:

A girl gets trapped in a dark alley surrounded by guys. As they are about to close in on her she's striken with helplessness and fear. Then a thought snapped into her mind;
The old shark-tooth necklace her uncle gave her during the previous summer.

She grabbed the shark tooth and held it like a knife.

The men started running toward her and raised their fists.
One by one, she kneed them in the stomach and stabbed their lower backs, the most soft and defenseless part of the bodies.
All of the men lay on the floor groaning and their blood unites into one stream as it drips into a pothole nearby.
She shifts her eyes from the floor to the last shadow being projected onto the wall.

"One last crook" she thought. Suddenly her confidence and willpower nearly shattered when she heard the sound of a pistol ammo magazine clipping securely onto a metalic gun.

All she can see of the man is his shape, but the shadows obscured the front of his body into a silhouette.She heard the man yell, " Give it up bitch! You're fucked now!" and then began firing a series of bullets at her.

As if by instinct, she ducked and began to crouch-run forward with her hands behind her and her head bravely stuck ahead of her.
Bullets whizzed by her and brushed her hair as she ran toward him with a brazen will of all-or-nothing, nothing to lose, all to gain.
By the time she was only two feet away from him, she swept her body to the side, and stabbed the the right jugular vein on the side of his neck, which according to the books she read in seventh grade, was a fatal wound.
_______________________________________________________________

This short combat scene was inspired by Ghost In The Shell.

That was good, and I know, I need to tweak my story badly. But hey, I got to start somewhere.

Okay, fixed up the first chapter.

Chapter 1
“I’m looking for an idiot who likes to ride a bike, where is the idiot?”
I lost count how many guns were pulled on me as I sat at the bar; facing the bartender who was backing away.
Keep your head straight, this can get messy.
“What are you, a cop,” one of the leather wearers stated as the country music finally ended and the jukebox started to play some random rock song. A quick glance in the mirror told me that the men, and at least three women, that had guns pointed at me were just hoping to hit me; no aim at all.
“You could call me that,” I stated as I looked at the bartender. “Hey, can you get me a coke, my throat is a little parched.” The bartender looked at me and then the leather wearers around me.
“Look, I think if you apologize, they will put their guns down,” the bartender told me as I noticed a small handgun on a shelf near him.
“Well, normally, I wouldn’t apologize.” I cracked a smile as my slightly high toned voice cracked a bit. “However, I can tell that if I apologize, these meatheads will still kick me into Hell for just wasting their time. Am I right?” I looked over at the people with the guns and heard general discussing.
How many of them would actually do it?
I looked back at the bartender. “Look, get me that drink or else I will tell my cop friends to come in here and bust all of you for aggravated assault on a minor.” I saw a few people step back and lower their guns. I preached to the crowd, “yes, I am a child. Now, I know you guys may not like the law, but something you don’t like more is people that hurt children. Can you guys really be what you don’t like the most?” I turned my body around to face the crowd, my arms crossed and a small smile on my face. I eyed any one I could and saw that they were backing up.
Then, I heard a solid click and something cold and hard pressed to the back of my head. The crowd waved their guns at the one responsible for the hard thing against my head. “Like this cop is a child,” the bartender’s voice broke out.
“They are hiring right out of birth now,” I uncrossed my arms and shrugged my shoulders. “Their numbers are low and they need the help.”
“So, this was your plan, huh,” the bartender’s voice crackled. “They bring a kid in here to get me out because they think no one will shoot a kid. Well, I will shoot you.”
“I don’t think so,” I stated as I reached underneath my jacket. I heard a second click and then, hell broke lose.
The windows came crashing inwards, tear gas was thrown in and almost everyone started choking on it. A gun went off, and something squeaked.
The cops came in with paramilitary precision and started to place zip ties around the wrists of everyone on the ground. When the smoke started to clear, the bartender with the gun looked up and saw what he could never imagine. I stood over him, a paper mask held in place with one of my hands and three black circles in the middle of the mask. All around the mask was small bits of metal that was stopped in place.
The mask still on, I walked over to the man. I crouched down next to him and with my free hand took the gun away from him.
“What the hell are you,” he asked as I smiled under the mask. I removed the mask from my face, showing the smile, and no harm done.
“I am the thing you could never see coming. Enjoy prison.” I was still smiling through all of this.
When the raid was over and people were hauled off, I found a female officer sitting next to me, holding two cold drinks. Assumed cold based on the fact that they looked to be sweating.
“Nice move, Vivi,” the woman stated as she handed me one of the drinks. I took it, popped it open, and finished it right off.
When the can left my lips, I stated, “next time you have a big case like this, don’t send me in.”
The woman, eyes dark blue that were sharp but glazed over and hair a dark red tied up in the back that reminded me of an open flame, chuckled at what I said. “Last I checked, you volunteered for the job.”
“Because Ronald had a bet with me,” I told Alex, the police woman, as I pointed at him coming back with his head held low.
“What did you two bet on,” Alex asked as Ronald fished his wallet out and started to look into it.
“I bet him a meal at Red Lobster that he would get shot,” the man replied as he sighed for a moment. “Man, and I worked hard for that money.”
“Shots were fired, twelve rounds from a handgun,” Alex added as she looked at me with the glaze obviously missing for the time being. I just smiled and showed the mask.
“Here’s the twelve shots and not a single one touched my skin,” I stated before I realized the small trickle of blood rolling down the left side of my cheek.

Perfect.
This is exactly what I was looking for from you.

*Suspense
*Detail
*Great dialogue
*Element of surprise.


Unfortunately, this is too short for a CHAPTER, but this is a great read anyhow, keep it coming.
I'm actually interested in this story and I want to read i to the very end.
SO hurry up and write me a good story!

A little heads up, its just a quick view of what the book is like in general. Plus, this is a memory from four weeks before the case begens.

Okay, to prevent the story from stretching out the fourms to much, I am posting a link to where I am uploading the story.

http://www.wattpad.com/489517-demon-det ... s-notebook

So far, chapter 1 is done, two is in the works.